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Work Wit, Biz Quiz and Curmudgeopedia

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Work Wit

Busy Fingers…We had to let that manager go – he kept mistaking emails for work.

Biz Quiz

How many emails does the average executive receive daily?  Surveyed CEOs and senior executives report that, excluding advertisments and unwanted pitches, they receive in an average week, including weekends, 70 emails per day.  On Monday through Friday, it rises to approx. 100 per day.  (Don’t even ask how many are coherent or valuable.)

Curmudgeopedia  – Devilish Definitions of Life As We Live It

WEBSITE – A storehouse of unread information into which the originator feeds self praise in hopes of receiving profits.

Work Wit

America is the only nation where you can become a hedge fund manager, psychologist, financial advisor, or priest by simply hanging out a shingle, but to become a beautician, you must study, pass an exam, and obtain a license.  After all, we have our priorities.

Biz Quiz

What does it cost to become a registered cosmetologist?  In the most rigorous of states, candidates must pay to enter an accredited school, followed by an exam which involves a $50 application fee; $90 licensing fee for the first year, $45 for the second year; and may include another $$235 in endorsement fees.  Even if you have a license in another state, you still must go through that state’s school and exam to profitably plaster on the hair gel.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

TARIFF – A remedy for curing beneficial trade, designed to simultaneously impoverish the nation that makes and the nation that takes.

 

Work Wit

Properly Clouded…When a corporation aims solely at shareholder profit, it is amazing the number of lies they must spin to appear acting in the public interest.

Biz Quiz

How much do marketing/pr firms suggest an established company should spend on PR?   Firms that will be beneficiaries of such spending tend to advise that up to 100 percent of all revenue and savings is wise.  Firms with no fiscal interest in the trade, typically suggest 10 – 15 percent of revenue.  An estimated $24 billion will be spent by U.S. businesses for PR services in 2025.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

OBSESSION – The proper attitude towards one’s salaried occupation, as defined by his/her employer.

 

Work Wit

Sparkling Persistence…Fail once and folks will call you unlucky.  Fail three more times and they will brand you a loser.  Fail four more times then triumph once, and people will revere you as an “overnight successful entrepreneur.”

Biz Quiz

How great a role do immigrants play in business launches?  Within the last 10 years, 44.8 percent of all new U.S. businesses were started by first generation immigrants.  (Not all survived/thrived.) Today, approximately 20 percent of U.S. businesses are owned by first generation immigrants.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It.

ADVERTISEMENTS – An unending series of loathsome seductions luring all humanity to consume more than any stomach or household can possibly store.

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Work Wit

Gifting Glut…Put a “Sale” sign beside it and Santa’s hat on top of it, and you can charge anything you want for your goods over the holidays.

Biz Quiz

How much did American’s spend on Cyber Monday?  The final tally is not in yet, but as of 6 p.m. on Monday, December 2, 2024, U.S. tech gourmands were spending $15.7 million per minute on tech toys, er, necessities

Curmudegeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

BRAND – An artistically cutsey symbol (e.g. a piece of fruit) carefully designed to release the viewers’ hidden urge to put their money in your pocket.

 

Work Wit

Modern Compartmentalization….Our CEO has just appointed a new creative team, and given them special sweatshirts.  We are so relieved – now the rest of us don’t have to bother thinking.

Biz Quiz

How does creative management differ from non-creative management? The former seeks outside-the-box ways to guide complex projects into an alignment of principles, methods, techniques, practices, and instruments that will maximize productive cash flow.  The later merely looks for ways that might make more money.                                                                ***

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It.  

SOCIAL MEDIA – 1) A less personal, more intimate vehicle for broadcasting self praise.  2) A promotional tool employed by advertisers for reaching the greatest number of people with the least possible effect.

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Work Wit

Useful Obsolescence…Previously worn neckties are like old worn auto tires – both are a potential boon, desperately awaiting the right entrepreneur to discover a new use for them.

Biz Quiz

What three professions still cling to the necktie as an imperative part of business dress?  The answer is finance, law, and white-collar thieves; but I repeat myself.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

SOCIAL MEDIA – A more intimate, less personal pathway to competitive status anxiety, that both youngsters and business mistakenly view as a necessity.

 

Work Wit

Being an entrepreneur is truly a liberating experience – you are absolutely free to work any 80 hours a week that you want.

Biz Quiz

In 2024, what is the failure rate for new businesses?  Generally, studies show that 10 percent fail in the first year, another 70 percent don’t survive the second year, and the remaining 10 percent close doors soon after.  This said, the spirit remains undaunted with over 600 million entrepreneurs worldwide, comprising 8 percent of the global population.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

TERRORIST – A dastardly hired/enlisted killer whose organization lacks the funds to buy him a proper uniform.

Work Wit

The trouble with our employees is that they have seem to have other goals in their lives besides increasing our company’s bottom line.  The trouble with our shareholders is that they believe the only way to achieve that increase is to fire all the employees.

Biz Quiz

What are the fastest growing Fortune 500 companies?  Striding into first place is the California technology giant Nvadia, claiming a 163 percent value growth in 2024; with sprawling investment firm Charles Schwab racing along into second place with a 136 percent growth thus far this year.                                                                 

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

MEETING – A gathering of grudgingly resigned souls in which minutes are taken and hours are thrown away. (Paraphrased from the meeting-bedeviled President Barack Obama.)

 

Work Wit

Big Box Attack…The mushrooming of big box stores offers a vast array of low quality items with savings so great they can almost be afforded by the slave-waged staffers they hire.

Business Quiz.  How many individual retail storefronts are currently operating within the United States?  According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, 1,076,931.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

STOCK MARKET – A desperate gambling den in which the heady liquor of ambition is served instead of opium.

Work Wit

Each business leadership book requires, apparently, a trendy buzzword to give it a veneer of originality.  Our favorites: leadership matrix – data-driven leadership – strategic leadership – disruptive leadership – leading from your gut – leading without your gut.  (real titles.)

Biz Quiz

How many business leadership books are written every year?  Some sources claim an unbelieveable 4.8 billion such tomes are penned annually.  (Disclaimer: ‘tis a statistic probably as accurate and valuable as the proverbs contained within most leading pages.)                                                            ***

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

FINANCIAL PLANNER – An individual who is not himself rich, but would have you believe that giving him your money will make you both rich.

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Work Wit

Adrift in Data…If my business were as well organized as my desk, we’d hit Chapter 11 within a month.

Biz Quiz

What is the approximate cost of hiring a professional organizer?  To get your desk and workspace cleaned up and workable runs usually $450, but can go up to $1,500.  To develop a systematic work flow that generates more profit, less stress, and no clutter may require a consultant who charges half of what you currently pay your psychiatrist.

Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

LEISURE – Time wasted in pursuing those activities you know you really do enjoy, as opposed to those valuable pursuits that others assure you really should enjoy.  See also Wine, Women, Song.

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Work Wit

Advertising executives devote their days to spanning the vast gap between consumer needs and consumer desire, with bridges of cash. 

Biz Quiz

How much do Americans spend on luxury items?  We are holding steady at $77 billion – and about $387 billion worldwide.

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Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

CHILDHOOD – That blissful state of exploratory wonderment experienced by the young prior to their being gifted with electronic devices.

 

Work Wit

Least Valuable Business Books:  Elon Musk’s How To Motivate Your Employees and Donald Trump’s How to Avoid Paying for Contracted Work.

(What we can’t understand is why these two guides are so popular.)

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Biz Quiz

How many business books are published annually?  You have the privilege of enriching your life with approximately 1000 new business tomes every month – nearly 12,000 annually.

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Curmudgeopedia – Devilish Definitions of Life as We Live It

LEVERAGED BUYOUT (LBO) – Using money you don’t have to purchase something you don’t own, but take title and responsibility for, in hopes of paying back stakeholders you don’t know.  Very popular.

Work Wit – What’s Funny About Business

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Work Wit

Our HR Director has given us all barcoded ID tags to wear at work.  It allows the machines to identify us and track our movements.  He says it’s part of the firm’s “Getting to Know You” policy.

Biz Quiz

What U.S. President, in 1992, upon first encountering a supermarket bar code scanner was stunned and perplexed?  George H.W. Bush.  The commonly rumored beliefs that his son, President George W. Bush couldn’t hold the code right-side-up to the reader, and that President Bill Clinton has his mistress do the supermarket shopping, are unsubstantiated

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Necessary Jewelry….Today’s job applicant facing that all-important interview will always remember to remove all body piercings, but wouldn’t dream of removing his fitness earbuds.

Biz Quiz – What percent of Americans wear earbuds?  80 percent of Gen Zers (ages 12 – 27) wear them for an average of 6 hours per day;  From ages 30 on it dwindles from 30 to 17 percent.

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The ME in Team…  Business leaders who are cock-sure confident to the point of lunacy and who ruthlessly slave drive employees for their own personal enrichment, may be assured of great praise by the media, and great debits in their balance sheets.

Biz Quiz

In the 21st century, how many Fortune 500 companies have failed?  52 percent of the U.S. Fortune 500 firms thriving in the year 2000 have failed, gone bankrupt, or disappeared as of 2023.

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Boss of your boss…American business folks believe that if you invent more, network more, and labor longer hours, you may someday be supervising your boss.  Is that the lure of hope – or revenge?

Biz Quiz.  How long do we work?  The U.S. Department of Labor states that the average American worker (all levels) labors 2,200 hours a year.  This compares favorably with the 16,000 – 18,000 hours throughout Europe and the 2,000 in Japan.  The dish of mobility, whether served hot or cold, is apparently a very tasty and desired delicacy.

Work Wit   Desperate Classified Ad… Wanted: Recent college graduates with a greater-than-one-tweet attention span, and Boomers with the patience to solve at least one computer glitch without throwing a tantrum.

Biz Quiz

Are there any Boomers left in the U.S. labor force?  Yes – a few.  As of the 4th quarter 2023, the United States claimed 17.3 million working Boomers (born between 1946 – 1964).  It is expected that by December 2024, we’ll see more working Gen Zers (currently ages 12 – 27) than Boomers.

WORK WIT: Three men were being shipped to a desert island and told they could take only one book.  The Imam took the Koran.  The priest selected the Bible.  Ah, but the entrepreneur grabbed a copy of How to Build a Canoe.

Biz Quiz

What nation boasts the most startup enterprises?  The United States (over 5 million in 2023).  Europe, with more than twice the population, launched 3.4 million new businesses.

Work Wit: The Scowl of Self-Absorbtion…If you get really, really serious about everything that you do, you probably won’t like yourself any better than anyone else does.

Biz Quiz: What percentage of surveyed US workers claim to be passionate about their jobs? 20 % (65% claim to be “satisfied.”)

WORK WIT: America The Beautiful…An entrepreneur knows he’s landed in the right country when he spends more time & money giving rebates to loyal clients than to dubious government officials.

Biz Quiz.  Within the last decade, what percent of new enterprises in the United States are launched by first generation immigrants?  48.7 percent.

WORK WIT: Face to Place…Our last “live” team meeting was attended by eight cups of coffee, one intern, and seven laptop screens sporting faceshots of their owner.

Afterthought: The intern unanimously voted himself to department head, and reported to the CEO that it was the most productive meeting held by our team since he joined the firm.

WORK WIT:  Polishing Your Brilliance…I think the reason so many people keep asking me to write my ideas down is so that they won’t have to listen to them.

Biz Quiz:  If you are given one minute to relate your idea, how many words should you use?  120 – 160 is considered an understandable rate of speech.

WORK WIT: Sharing Your Wealth…A financial planner is an individual who has not been able to make himself rich, but who truly believes that if you give him your money, he can make you both rich.

Biz Quiz:  How many financial planners are active in the U.S.?  About 330,000 – that’s 10 planners for every stock listed in NASDAQ.

WORK WIT:  Smoke & Mirrors…In America, being successful is helpful, but appearing successful is a necessity.

Biz Quiz:  What percent of small businesses closed during the pandemic?  Accuracy is difficult here, but during the 2nd quarter of 2020 federal reserve tracking found 37.4% of small businesse shut doors at least temporarily.

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WORK WIT: Polishing Your Brilliance…I think the reason so many people keep asking me to write my ideas down is so that they won’t have to listen to them.

Biz Quiz:  If you are given one minute to relate your idea, how many words should you use?  120 – 160 is considered an understandable rate of speech.

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Work Wit – Ah, ‘tis Spring… Time for careless banks to melt away and careful bankers to grab their parting bonuses and slither into greener pastures.

Biz Quiz: How many United States banks have failed in the 21st century?  563 failed, leaving 3,123 remaining in 2023.

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Work Wit:  Corona Wonders…What do you call a nation where people sit down and chat face-to-face to share a glass of wine, but stand on a moving treadmill and squint into a screen to share employment in the same company? America the Beautiful.

Biz Quiz: What is the best estimate of treadmill desks purchased in the last decade?  Somewhere between 400,000 and 600,000. https://bartsbooks.com

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Work Wit – America The Beautiful…An entrepreneur knows he’s landed in the right country when he spends more time & money giving rebates to loyal clients than to dubious government officials.

Biz Quiz.  Within the last decade, what percent of new enterprises in the United States are launched by first generation immigrants?  48.7 percent.

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Sign of Our Times…She wouldn’t be caught dead venturing into marriage with an off-the-rack wedding gown, but she thinks nothing of venturing into a new enterprise an AI generated business plan.

Biz Quiz: What is the price of the average wedding gown in the U.S.?  America’s 2.5 million brides this past year paid an average of $2,000 – $4,000 for their wedding gowns.

The American Way… As a patriotic gentleman of business, I whole-heartedly support all legislators who give contracts to my firm.  Of course, those who give contracts to my competitors are irresponsible wastrels and darn fools.

Biz Quiz:  How many government contractors are employed in the U.S.?  You are paying for 5,294 contractors – 55% are male – average age is 46.

Dale Caldwell – Takes Helm of Centenary University

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His hand on my shoulder, Dale stated enthusiastically, “We can change the world from here.”  Every once in a rare while the exact right leader finds a perfect fit with the exact right team.  And I was fortunate to witness this on October 21st when the idealistic, energetically inventive Dr. Dale Caldwell donned the President’s robes and was invested with the leadership of the refreshingly progressive faculty and students of the 156-year-old Centenary University based in Hackettstown, New Jersey.

Currently, Dale serves as founding head of the Dale Caldwell Foundation, and the Entrepreneur Zones movement which battles poverty in distressed communities by developing new businesses.  Previously, Dale served as head of Farleigh Dickinson University’s Rothman Institute for Innovation and Entrepreneurship, working to promote family businesses and the Prometheus Social Enterprise Awards.  For President Caldwell,  Centenary offers an ideal platform.  An impressive number of the 1,200 undergraduate students take active part in ENACTUS, an national organization that guides collegiates into entrepreneurial enterprises as a catalyst for progress.  Prior to the inaugural ceremony, Dale and several undergraduates celebrated his  donating supplies to a local food pantry and books to a nearby correctional facility.

In his address, Dr. Caldwell noted that “Within our institutions of higher education we possess ample and necessary brainpower and energy to solve all the problems facing our society.”  It seems only fitting that the Centenary mascot is the cyclone.  Keep your eyes on this whirlwind center of innovative learning… where “changing the world” becomes a practical mission.

From Vine to Glass Touring the Fine Wines in New Jersey May 4th

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Thursday eve, May 4, 6:30 at the Cranbury Library

From Vine to Glass  Touring the Fine Wines in New Jersey

As the sixth largest producer of wine in the United States, New Jersey boasts 55 commercial wineries and a growing number of wine-grape farms.  And in the Dionysian Society blind tasting pitting the best wines of France and California vs. New Jersey – guess who took top honors?   Wine author and hobby vintner Bart Jackson guides you around the Garden State’s wine offerings, explaining what grapes thrive in her four growing regions, and what winery events not to miss. (Opera & wine, anyone?) Bart also provides tips on selecting, tasting, and growing, as well as some of the best ways to launch your own wine trail explorations.  All is presented with good humor and touches of history…(Do you know how many wineries in Burlington county were closed at the outset of Prohibition?)  Come and discover the tasteful bounty growing all around us.

Bart Jackson, author of The Garden States Winery Guide, is a veteran advocate and explorer of New Jersey’s wine industry. Since 1995, he and his wife Lorraine have grown the grapes in their own hobby vineyard in Cranbury from which they joyfully press and produce their own Chateau Bonne Chance vintages.  Bart is CEO of Prometheus Publishing, hosts The Art of the CEO radio show, and is the founder of The Prometheus Social Enterprise Awards, bringing the most inventive social contributors to light. His other books range from Whitewater – Running the Wild Rivers of North America to the bestselling CEO of Yourself – Getting Down to the Business of Your More Rewarding Life.  As a globe-trotting journalist, Bart has carted his pen and curiosity and wine thirst through over 80 countries.  His most prized writings are the poems penned to his bride Lorraine, which are published on the north wall of their Cranbury home.

To learn more visit From Vine to Glass Touring the Fine Wines in New Jersey – The Art of the CEO Radio

 

Best Revenge

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I invested my life savings in a not-so-mutual fund that apparently bought my broker’s new home in Aruba.  He explained that this monetary shift was covered under the contract clause, “Individual results may vary.”

 

Afterthought.  The only just solution is for you to send tickets to your nagging mother-in-law, your out-of-work brother, and your dropout daughter and offer them free rooms in your new house.  If your broker wants to rob what is yours, insist he take the whole package.

Business Quips – The Art of the CEO Radio