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Amazon’s Hot New Release – In The Words of My Wife’s Husband

At last, here is your complete sourcebook of business humor.  Here’s your chance to dip in, seize a fistful of wry wit, and pass it along to your fellow chaingangers at work.  Bart Jackson believes that the greatest wisdom flies in on the wings of laughter, and for the last decade he’s become known as the man who portrays business in the jocular vein.   Bart’s Business Quips books have provided professionals with barrelsful of quotable zingers to spice up their workdays and their presentations.   As host of The Art of the CEO radio show, Bart has been joyously jesting at the lunacies, piercing the pomposities, and celebrating those clever, inventive folks who make up the business community.  This volume culls and combines the very best and funniest of his quips, jovial repartee with radio guests, and those sardonic, final takeaway Parting Shots which Bart always launches with, “In the Words of My Wife’s Husband….”  May you read, laugh, share, and grow nearly wise. P.S. Don’t miss Bart’s Curmudgeonopedia with its devilish definitions of business jargon.

               www.amazon.com 

 

Who Said?

“I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building.  I felt better right away.”

The controversial, counter-culture comedian authored Brain Droppings, and made millions laugh over his routine: “The Seven Dirty Words that are keeping us from winning the war.”

– George Carlin

             

 

Laughter Vaccine Your protection against taking today too seriously

Bart’s elevator pitch is brilliantly clever.  Trouble is, unless the elevator runs from Baltimore to Bangor, he can never finish it.

***

 I truly admire everyone efforts to fill us with good cheer during these times, and I’m sure I could pull myself out of the dumps if only my investments would turn around and lead the way.  (When the liquor business booms – beware your portfolio, my friend.)

***

Now that the president’s name is printed on the stimulus checks, they may be issued in hopes that, like a small child swallowing a dime, they may quickly pass through, providing no effect on the child, and go on to stimulate the corporations so desperately in need.  (Notice: they were not called “public aid checks.)

***

Our office is finally opening up, rotating small groups back in, beginning with the most essential.  Based on my value, looks as if I’ve got a vacation until November.

***

I don’t get all this fuss about wearing masks. Most folks I meet put on a mask every day to protect me from discovering their darker side.  So now their being encouraged to mask up and protect themselves from my darker, diseased side.  What’s the big deal?

***

Campaigning politicians have gotten so desperate during this lockdown that they have stopped begging for your money and are actually phoning to explain why they’d like your vote.

***

Covid-19 lockdown has been particularly tough on the young.  Many teens have become so bored they are reduced to texting their own parents across the dinner table – and not asking for money.

***

 If you doubt that this virus has perched every sector of America on the edge of financial ruin – wait a minute.  There’s bound to be a telebeggar calling in who will happily explain it to you.

***

I learned that the Rockettes are giving free aerobic classes online.  So I grabbed a cold beer, tuned in, and I must say it really works – my heart hasn’t raced this fast in years.

***

 I truly admire everyone efforts to fill us with good cheer during these times, and I’m sure I could pull myself out of the dumps if only my investments would turn around and lead the way.  (When the liquor business booms – beware your portfolio, my friend.)

***

Now that the president’s name is printed on the stimulus checks, they may be issued in hopes that, like a small child swallowing a dime, they may quickly pass through, providing no effect on the child, and go on to stimulate the corporations so desperately in need.  (Notice: they were not called “public aid checks.)

***

The surest way to avoid the truth is to seek it in a survey.  Do you a) strongly agree. b) strongly disagree c) don’t give a damn.

***

This morning I knocked on the back door of a store and a man wearing a mask sold me one large pack of toilet paper. I felt half way between the 1950’s Soviet communist shopper and a Prohibition era alcoholic trying to enter a speakeasy.

 

This virus is harsh – I’ve finally learned to handle the social distancing, but it’s the fiscal distancing – watching my money drift ever further away, that’s crushing me.

***

One thing I’ve learned from this virus is gratitude for everything from friendship to toilet paper.  Before it, I was like the farmer so busy praying for rain that I forgot to hold out my cup in a thunderstorm.

 ***

Social Media is a mask that allows you to scream to an audience of thousands tales that would make you blush crimson if told to one friend in a bar room.

Time to Rethatch Our Teahouse

Twenty some years ago my wife Lorraine awoke and assured me that I was craving to build an authentic Japanese Teahouse in our back meadow.  So I did – and the original thatch has lasted a quarter century.  These pictures show the new bundles of thatch I scythed down, hauled up, and tied down onto the roof, with a lot of help from my buddy – Thanks Marvin.  Everyone should have a retreat, be it for solitude and/or contemplation with a few close friends.

 

Quote Challenge

Remember that question from last week’s Quip? Well, the answer is below.

“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a  medieval study hall.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the famed Green Bay Packers football coach admitted to a slight bias in the offering of this quote.  Vince Lombardi

* * *

“Common sense is the set of prejudices acquired by  age eighteen.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the inventor of the world’s best known formula: E=mc2, by age 15, had read Immanuel Kant and written On the investigation of the state of ether in a magnetic field.    Albert Einstein

* * *

“I learned law so well that the day I graduated, I sued the college and got my tuition back.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the radio comedian who got most of his real education at the Boston Public Library, maintained a mock feud with fellow funster Jack Benny.

* * *

“If future generations are to remember us with more gratitude than sorrow, we must achieve more than just miracles of technology.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the the 36th President and legendary lawmaker pushed through the Civil Rights act.  Mr. Lyndon Johnson.

* * *

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the American President who saw us through the Civil War believed that war, like conversation, should be completed “with malice towards none.”    Abraham Lincoln

* * *

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, ‘I’m no speechmaker,’ let it go at that, instead of giving us a demonstration?”

Author: Those words were spoken by the Indianapolis News cartoonist and journalist created the “Abe Martin” drawings that appeared in over 200 U.S. papers weekly.    Kin Hubbard

* * *

 “Self-made men tend to be a little too proud of the job.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the 19th century humorist, noted for his truly original spelling, came by his trade honestly – being the son and nephew of Congressmen.    Josh Billings

* * *

“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”

Author:  Those words were spoken bythe American President who saw us through the Civil War believed that war, like conversation, should be completed “with malice towards none.” Abraham Lincoln

* * *

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, ‘I’m no speechmaker,’ let it go at that, instead of giving us a demonstration?”

Author:  Those words were spoken by Kin Hubbard

* * *

 “Self-made men tend to be a little too proud of the job.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by Josh Billings

* * *

“Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by none other than Razor-tongued journalist of America’s politics and well-foibled culture – Mr P.J. O’Rourke.

  * * *

“Washington D.C. is a city of southern efficiency and northern charm.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by  John F. Kennedy

* * *

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man.  But it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by Helen Rowland,  This New York Times Journalist wrote a column “Reflections of a Bachelor Girl” and the wittily truth-laden book “A Guide to Men.”

  * * *

“Nothing gives us courage more readily than the desire to avoid looking like a damn fool.

Author:  Those words were spoken by this Pennsylvania-born, wildly best-selling novelist of suspense thrillers penned “Demon Seed” and “The Key to Midnight.”. Dean Kootz.

* * *

“Maturity comes when you have the first real good laugh at yourself.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by “The First Lady of the American Theatre”, Ethel Barrymore

* * *

“Women have always been the guardians of wisdom and humanity which makes them natural, but usually secret rulers.  The time has come for them to rule openly, but together with and not against men.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by the Polish-born psychotherapist wrote the groundbreaking 1977 book “Bisexuality.”  Dr. Charlotte Wolff

* * *

“The bitterness of poor service remains long after the elation of low prices is forgotten.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by Ben Franklin

* * *

“Credit cards are like snakes – handle ‘em long enough and one  of them will bite you.”

Author: Those words were spoken by Elizabeth Warren

* * *

“The chief value of money is that one lives in a world in which  it is overestimated.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by H.L. Mencken

* * *

“The only difference between death and taxes is that death  doesn’t get worse every time Congress meets.”

Author:  Those words were spoken by Will Rogers.